Skip to main content
19 November, 2009

by The Wandering Wastrel


I once toured the roadsides of the US selling woven rugs crafted from a manufactured fiber in which the fiber forming substance is a long-chain synthetic polymer composed of at least 85% by weight of ethylene and propylene.

Like some sort of crazed futuristic gypsy.
This was a desperate effort to save myself the from hideous obesity and mental decay that was taking a strong grip on me back at my home.

I wrote this in case other wanted to follow the trail.

How I sell rugs .

1. Wake up as late as possible and then lie in bed till hunger drives you out.

2. Breakfast is two smokes, a triple shot espresso and a big cup of Mango with lots of chilli and limes. You are only allowed this because you are a Fat American BLOB.

3. Take your shirt off and set up as fast as you can ! The faster you go the more time you will have to BLOB in the chair and blaze smokes.

4. Once you have finished setting up you are allowed half of your Subway meat ball sandwich that will be your only lunch ( besides Smokes and Waters ).

5. OK so now a customer is arriving… Put your cowboy hat on, If they are smoking – light a smoke… If they are in their car lean up against the trailer like a cowboy and look off in the distance till they get out.

When they ask ” How much are your Blankets?”
( They will always call the Rugs, “Blankets, Carpets, Flags, or another similar product. A rare intellectual or retard savant will sometimes be able to observe that they are indeed Rugs ! )

Tell them the highest price you have worked out (250 – 125 – whatever ) And launch into a massive and expansive expose’ on the rug that interests them the most – Matching their level of emotional output exactly.

Turn any Questions they ask you into a funny story and forget the rugs for a while.
Tell them stories about crazy adventures and either go on and on about how well or how bad you are doing depending on what you think they would like to hear the most.
Do this repeatedly in hard bursts, just at the very edge of what they can tolerate. Make the RUGS become the stable datum in the confusion you are generating.
They say ” What time is it ?” You answer – RUGS.
Will you be here tomorrow – RUGS
I Have to measure my lounge – RUGS
Where are you based out of ? – RUGS MOTHER UCKER , RUGS.
6. DO NOT SLAM them with a deal till they are leaving ! They must take at least three steps before you hit them with the SLAM. And NEVER go below 80 $ an a 5×8 ft rug until they are DRIVING AWAY.

7. If a Gap toothed Methfreak comes up and asks you how much your towels are just say a number that is 5 $ above cost and Ride them off your site on a RAIL.
You don’t need those munted Mother Uckers Ucken with your Shi.
Your Rug Selling Shi.

8. Work till DARK.

9. Your are only allowed a bowl of soup for dinner and some smokes you Fat Bastard.

10. Stay up till 3 writing twisted prose like a beat legend.