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21 May, 2009

by The Wandering Wastrel


So there I was, a young man… blinded by the darkness that lurks with the heart of every woman.

I was a little pot king pin, dealer extraordinaire, a maggoty weasel with bad deals for all those who were desperate.

This occupation had led me into a spa pool with 4 others swimming round and round, stopping only to take a lung bursting hit from the bong and then disappearing under the water to take long chlorine laced hits of the stale air that came out the bubble holes to ensure the correct state of fuckedupness was achieved.
I was lost in a world of mind destroying bliss.

There was a lovely blond girl with a tiny lithe body and small perky tits in the spa with me and as she ran her feet up and down my legs the others bailed out of the pool and left us alone to engage in intelligent conversation. The conversation went like this.

Me: Man I’m out of it… I’m fuckin bombed, I can’t even feel my face.
Her: Yeah same.
Me: … uhhmmbbzz.
Her: Yeah.
Me: ….
Her: ….
Me: Whaddid I just say? Did I just say something?
Her: Ummm I don’t think so.
Me: ….
Her: ….
Me: Whaddid I just say then? Whaddid I say?
Her: You just said whaddid you just say.
Me: No, before that.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Man I think I’m blacking out as I go.

I decided only one thing could be done to salvage this situation and that was to pash her furiously and then lift her up onto the edge of the spa and eat her minge.
Which I did.

The dudes in the sauna came out so we stopped playing about and got out of the pool and dressed.
The sauna escapade had penetrated all of my impotent bombed out stoner defenses and I suggested to her that we grab a blanket and head up to the mountain which was located a 15 minute walk from where we were and continue this mutual exploration.

The moon was shining full and romantic like as I pounded her from behind trying to get some sort of sexual feeling from my numb body. Both our eyes were closed for quite a while as we tried to make our drug fucked bodies feel what fucking was like, this went on until I felt the tweaking approach of something climatic.
“Arrrgh” I jumped and slipped out cursing! Something huge and wet had covered my bare foot. Blasting my eyes open I saw …
That cows surrounded our little blanket oasis! One of their number had just licked my foot and now they were staring at us! There must have been 20 of them!
I knelt there glaring at them, part of me upright and waving. They looked back boredly. I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform with so many onlookers so I shooed them away and they stampeded off before I resumed.

We fell into some kind of “relationship” that consisted of her coming round to my place after she finished school, smoking a few joints and then going down to my room and fucking for a while before going home.

I once went round to her place to meet the parents for dinner. It didn’t go to well, as I was far too stoned to behave rationally and spent most of the meal staring at the tablecloth trying to not piss myself laughing at the spectacle of respectability my young lady presented to her mum and step-dad.
I put forward no such pretense and happily told jokes and sang songs until desert, which I consumed in a munchies, induced frenzy.

The whole romance was to come to a crashing conclusion about 3 weeks after it began.

It was party time in my room. My room was the space underneath the house, which I had made habitable by nailing four layers of carpet to the floor, walls and ceiling to give a fuzzy bouncy castle effect. My bed was two double mattresses lain side by side on a huge raised platform at the end of the room.

My room was packed with refugees from the upstairs party who had filtered down to the sanctuary of  “the cave” because all the people upstairs where really, really weird and were freaking them out.
Either that or the latest wave of acid we had gobbled was fresh and strong.

My room was a fun house for the insane and we rolled around on the floor, flicked the black ravelight off and made strange noises and magical inscriptions with glowing incense and forayed out to the lawn to spin around on the clothesline. We smoked joints until we fell forwards striking our heads on the thin steel support pillars which supported the house and prevented it from coming crashing down reducing us all to a slather of mangled gore and bloody bone fragments.

We had the great idea of taking the mattress of my bed and putting them on the floor to bounce on, so we hauled them off. What was revealed underneath would shock us into speechlessness. A cosmos of multicolored stars! Small galaxies in green, yellow, orange and white, great big clumps of stars lay everywhere in the portal to another universe we had revealed. All of it glowing amazingly in the glare of the black disco light.
“Wow.” we said, and stared into the stargate as the stars within pulsed and glowed.

A young lady dared to reach into the void, and what’s this? She picked up a star, which grew long, and jiggled in her hand … she examined it closely and screamed, then threw it. It landed on another girls face who stood stunned … then screamed and joined the first girl bolting for the door. We all leaned forward to examine the glowing thing closely… then there was a huge and frightened exodus for the door.

Except me who was left to remove a double handful of condoms (which over the past three weeks I had carelessly tied and hurled under the mattress before blacking out into the arms of my unsatisfied partner) the contents of which were in varying states of decomposition, changing color depending on which state of fermentation the product was at.

I deposited 7 civilizations worth of latex encased goo into my rubbish bin and went outside to tell everyone the coast was clear.
Most of the people had fled preferring to brave the upstairs party and face soul chilling paranoia than stay and be subjected to any further mind unraveling surprises like what they had just witnessed. The brave few that had reconvened on the lawn met me with frightened stares and backed away.

My young lady stayed the night for the first (and last time that night). We were woken in the afternoon by banging on the door and the screeching sound of her mother calling her name in an angry worried mother fashion. The first thing to hit me as I woke was the horrid stench of wet rotten carpet combined with cigarette butts, bong water, beer and the smell of the ghosts of joints long smoked. I looked down to see the floor flooded with water, bobbing in it was the festering trash of last night’s party. It had rained heavily in the night and flooded the room, as it was prone to do when it rained. I had not thought of this when I had stapled all the carpet up around the room. In the past the water just pooled on the concrete floor and exited through the door when I opened it in the morning.

The poor girls mother opened the door and a wash of brown water and party refuse exited onto her shoes and past her to soak into the lawn where it belonged.
She shrieked her daughters name and we cowered terrified under the blankets. All of her clothes had been on the floor and were now grimy and soaked, so dressing up in some of my moldy smelling gear and promising to call she crept out to face her fate.

She arrived around at my house that night, and I knew the dream was over when I saw her long blond locks had been shorn into some haircut, which was short and dyed red. I knew what this meant. No more little blondie for me. She gave me a chocolate bar and from the door told me that she wouldn’t be able to see me again as she really must concentrate on her schoolwork from now on. I said,  “Yeah, whatever, I get it.” I Shut the door on her and had a big cry like a baby.

The end.

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